it’s been a minute. i’m too lazy to look at the date of my last post. i think it was a quote: so not really mine to begin with. post-lockdown (pre-second-lockdown?) life is busy. in mostly good ways, some a bit overwhelming.
i relish the times when the universe puts me in a spot where i’m asked/told/unknowingly invited to hold space. the past few weeks have presented me with a few such opportunities. i’m still dipping my toes back in after some time away. some times it’s like sitting down in a mountain river in late summer. the temperature is not too cold, but cold enough to remind you of where it came from. other times i urgently, briskly walk in the other direction. “nope.”
after months last year of stripping any interpersonal intuition. creating a misguided, haphazardly curated gallery of crackpot feelings, emotions, sensory “experiences”, mystical revelations, realities. it would make sense for me to write something like, “was it real?” “was it authentic?”
short answer: sure? i lived it, i made decisions that framed my life in that hazy filter. in that poorly rendered early version of augmented reality. i felt and experienced it. but in hindsight, it feels so disconnected. another cliché thing to write: it felt disconnected like in a dream. hazy filter. i’m running with that. the sum of all this was that earlier this year when things turned around a bit i realized that my bandwidth was limited for a number of reasons. mostly, i need(ed) to direct that time and energy to myself. holding space was not an option. the dealing with other peoples’ proverbial stuff store was operating limited hours. i had to be protective of myself. i was fragile. i am fragile.
she’s been doing Previews now. it’s been nice to feel my spirit open up a bit to other peoples’. to be honest i was beginning to get a bit worried i would forever be walled off. that the berlin wall i built around myself was a permanent fixture. that i would forever be standing on my 4th floor balcony of my brutalist East Berlin apartment longingly looking out at europe across the way.
well reagan had other plans apparently. feelings are returning. i just have to be sure to find that balance between selfless and selfish.
what a fucking trip, man. this life. but as i sit here, typing, i’ve got the tiniest of smiles cracked because for how much crazy has gone on, here i am. now. alright. ready for what’s next. ready to be equally alright with whatever it will be.
