i had dinner with friends the other evening that i haven’t seen in a while. pre-covid + give or take a year. a bit. i am honest about this because i don’t want to fall into this trap of blaming all of my social skills, or flakiness, or isolationism, or loneliness, on lockdown. that shit was shaky well before. ironically, it brought me out of my shell a bit. more on that some other time.
i shared with one of them that i’ve been going through a number of changes – life, spiritual, fashion, career, accessories (lots of dangly earrings), educational. she noted specifically the spiritual element: that it was the first time she had heard me talk about it openly. be honest about it – in a self-aware way. she said she has always observed that spirituality, mysticism, esoterica, whatever was something i brushed against, rode the perimeter of, but never seemed to cross into it. at least not cross in with clarity, earnestness, willingness. not cross into it without worry of how deep the forest was. fearlessly.
i wouldn’t say that i’ve crossed the line – not for the want of trying – but perhaps I at least have a toe in. she noted that i seem ready to continue moving in. i agree. the irony is that it is more difficult than i would have imagined to achieve any sort of immersion. but even already, this partial entry seems to be opening up a world of things. a world of mutual benefit.
someone who’s advice i take very seriously suggested that i just need to find my “tribe”. i have always felt like a bit of an outsider. not necessarily an outcast, but just someone that doesn’t quite fit particular molds. so i either spill out of them or they swallow me up and i get lost. i’m not terribly great at any particular thing. i don’t really have a hobby. i stretch myself thin-ish across too many things i enjoy, and then, mostly because i can’t perfect them, i give them up. i have friends, i think i’m cool (cool enough), i am funny. (i say this because this isn’t meant to be a loner’s soliloquy or a pity party.)
a couple things of note from the preceding paragraph:
- i have friends: yet i seem to be more interested in finding the right friends who will move me into this mystical realm. perhaps the ones i have are those who will do it, but not in some turn-the-lights-down-and-listen-to-aphex-twin’s-selected-ambient-works-by-candlelight-while-reading-tarot-cards kind of way. perhaps a more practical way that isn’t depicted in movies, but is possibly all the more meaningful. we’ve drifted upon one another’s lives for a reason. maybe we’re all just not flexing enough. that said, i could use a little help on the esoteric voyage. and it’s been difficult. maybe i’m just not ready? or not meant for such a trip.
- i can’t perfect them, i give them up: it’s ok to be alright. this goes back to (possibly) an earlier post about how when we predetermine final results before we begin – not just expectations – we are then determined to fail. at least i am. i use the fear of failure, or not getting 100% A+, as a deterrent to beginning something altogether. this is fucking self-sabotage at its finest. not even giving yourself a chance to start, to make mistakes (aka to learn + grow).
- i’m cool (cool enough): really what that sentence should have noted is “i am confident in who i am, i like myself, and don’t particularly care about others’ opinions of me. i respect myself enough to not let other people’s disrespect affect it.” someone told me recently that (i’m summarizing) one doesn’t find happiness or some level of enlightenment until he stops caring what other people think.
i’ll continue to put the intention out there, seeing what manifests. and not limiting that vision to what i expect, or what is shinier. i’ll continue to try and keep my heart and mind and spirit and body in the right place. and i’ll try to not be such a fucking perfectionist.
let go. go with the flow. i want to cross that line, safely(-ish), and go exploring. i want to have to use my headlamp, hiking boots, ice pickaxe, kayak, climbing harness. i want to get lost. but i still need a compass. i’m not sure about the map though…
